Even as Christians, the question is not whether we have disagreements, but how we handle them when we do. Churches are human organisations and we know from the New Testament that there can be quite sharp differences between good people (Barnabas and Paul), as well as conflict caused by ambition or other failure (the disciples wanting to sort out who would be greatest in the kingdom).
We may have teaching about forgiveness and values of love for our neighbour, but we may also have quite unrealistic expectations about how others ought to behave because they are Christians. We all need all the help we can get. For the long-term health of the church, our own attitude and the "rules of engagement" we follow can be as important as the issues themselves.
Abby Mendels Tips on Solving Congregational Conflict Ten ways to ease tension in the church
The Conflict Resolution Network (Chatsworth, NSW)
Leadership Journal, Spring 1998 Conflict: Confronting controversy with character and grace
Like many things in life knowing how something works and how we work are related but different.
It is usually more important to cope emotionally, spiritually, and relationally than to be correct.
God has something to teach us through what happens – it is not always what we expect.
Having the right answers is not going to save you from conflict.
Changing your views only changes the people you are in disagreement with.
I usually have friends on more than one side of an issue
God is always blessing people I disagree with.
At any time of the day or night, somewhere, some Presbyterian is doing something I disapprove of.
Conflict can press some deep psychological buttons.
Acknowledge process – knowing the rules and when, and when not, to use them.
Consensus is great and worth working for. However we have to accept that people will appeal to the Book of Order when it supports them, and say that is legalistic when it does not. If an appeal to order is made it has to be respected. When Paul appealed to Caesar, that is where he had to go.
Focus on behaviour not personality
Value people, but don’t be fooled either.
Be careful about buying into stuff you cannot handle.
Be aware of where you are personally and what your limits are.
Take time out
Be careful about repenting of other people’s sins. One’s own are usually sufficient.
Be careful about getting caught up in other people’s crusades.
Transference and counter-transference happens.
Conflicts are not solely about power, status, fear, and personality they are also about spirituality and theology.
Theological and spiritual conflicts are usually also about power, status, fear and personality, not just truth.
Keep asking: “What is my responsibility?” “What does God want me to do?” “Who do I check this out with?” “What is God trying to say to us here?”
Remember supervision / spiritual direction
Every human organisation goes through bad relational and directional patches – so do not be surprised. This will happen.
Try to get some runs on the board first.
Believe you can handle it, but you will handle it better with help.
Do not be surprised or hurt when people do not buy your vision straight off.
Material on Healthy Congregations and Mission Leadership can provide frameworks for helping a congregation rediscover its mission and values and help gain the energy to face difficult issues.
Give your team confidence they can work stuff through.
Pray and talk and get help.
Developing healthy presbyteries is one of the great challenges facing our churches.
Presbyteries are an easy dumping ground for people’s personal and parish frustrations. Participatory leadership always carries this risk.
It is hard to change this culture, but you can do your bit.
Pull your weight and know your limits with Presbytery involvement.
Talk solutions and get together with solutions people.
Pray for a better way.
There will always be national issues, administrative, ethical, theological.
Have a care for the good of the church.
Be informed and form your own views.
Check your views with the views of your congregation and colleagues in Presbytery.
Think politically about groups, but be careful about working the system politically – Jesus said something about those who live by the sword.
If it makes you angry do not reply.
Decide later whether this is something you can contribute to helpfully or not.
Resist attacking the motives of others.
Email is quick. It is also unreliable when people do not know you and how to take things you say.
John Roxborogh, October 2003, June 2005.